Birth Story-- Warning: it is long!

Well, I really should be doing the bills, vacuuming, or cleaning the kitchen or bathrooms, but I have waited too long to type this up.  I really don't want to forget it in the future.  But I also think I am subconsciously dreading reliving the experience.  Not that it was that bad, just of course not what I had dreamed.  Each retelling of the story has made it much less painful and more matter of fact.  But looking at the hospital and NICU pictures brings back the feelings involved.  I am just grateful for God's hand of protection and guidance through the whole situation.  He definitely provided courage, support, and peace through it all.  I could sense all the prayers in our behalf.  Would I do it all over again for my baby girl?  Of course!

It all started with the minor contractions that are a little more than Braxton Hicks.  I was 41 weeks and was woken up about 5 AM with cramp like feelings.  I was excited thinking the labor had begun!  I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't.  I walked around trying to increase the contractions, etc.  I finally was able to relax and go back to sleep for an hour or so... fast forward the day, they continued but off and on.  I just knew the time was imminent.  My husband and I were excited...  Then they stopped and didn't return for another week.  I was now 42 weeks pregnant and pretty uncomfortable in the evenings.  Sydney was giving me lots of movement like she was cramped and wanted out!  But I was still sleeping through the night and waking every morning disappointed that I was still there pain free.  Everyone continued to tell me that I looked rather small pregnant and said it would come any day now... I got tired of the comments and inquiries.  I knew everyone meant well... I was just disappointed in myself that there was still no labor, and we were having now to decide what to do besides a home birth.  Well, my midwife was monitoring me and the baby closely, but nudging me to do something proactive.  (I am naturally not that way.)

Well, I was feeling a few more of the minor contractions by then and decided to try some of the herbal/natural methods to get labor going.  Saturday, the 25th, I began trying the recommended things by my midwife...as well as all the other common ones (I was already doing the common ones.  ha ha).  Tinctures, herbal laxitive, walking, nipple stimulation, sex, relaxing, hot showers, etc.  Things would get a little more intense, but then just taper back off when I stopped doing them.  It was a tiring day.  My midwife was coming to my house and checking me and the baby everyday at this point.  I was only 1-2 cm dilated and 75% effaced.  All NST tests were completely normal and healthy.  I decided to take Sunday off and relax and do another suggested regimine on Monday.  That one included different tinctures, castor oil, electric pump nipple stimulation, walking, etc.  Let me tell you that the castor oil was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my life!  Just the thought of it right now makes me want to gag.  I just kept telling myself that I didn't want to get to the end and know there was possibly something that I didn't try that would have worked.  I honestly say that I tried it all to have an "all natural" birth like I dreamed!

I decided that if I woke up Tuesday morning still pregnant, I would go in to the doctor to get induced.  My midwife came over Monday night to check on us like usual.  She was attempting to strip my membranes one last time, while my husband held the doppler on the baby.  There was a sudden heart rate drop that stayed low.  She had me sit up and stand up quickly.  Everything immediately went back to normal.  She said that is typically normal if the baby mashes her cord, etc.  But to be safe, due to my gestation, we did another NST for 20 minutes.  Everything appeared normal and healthy like usual.  I was continuing to feel her strong kicks and movements so I wasn't (too) worried.  But I will admit, it started to scare us all.  Even though I continued to read stories online of women going into labor 42-43 weeks with no problems...but those were not A.) infertile like me, B.) no way of knowing exactly when they ovulated and implanted like those of us with FETs know for sure.  We were aware that each day longer I was pregnant, the higher the risk of my placenta failing or meconium being in the fluid...

So Tuesday morning, 42 weeks and 4 days, I was still pregnant with no major contractions.  My midwife called to say that the hospital was ready for us to come in and get monitored that morning.  So we hurriedly got ready and packed in case we weren't coming home. (We weren't sure at that point if I was just getting checked or actually induced.)  I was just so disappointed in my body.  I would always say that I did not conceive naturally, but at least I would give birth naturally.  I was so torn thinking and believing that maybe she wasn't ready to be born.  And yet, I just knew she was telling me that she wanted out of there!  I could still feel my strong girl.

I was hooked up to the monitor, and they were asking me all my preferences for an induction and hospital birth.  I was preparing my mind for what was to come.  My midwife kept telling me that I was going to meet my girl today... to keep me focused on the good in the situation.  WELL... the monitor was showing that Sydney's heart rate was not liking me to sit up-- it was dropping and not recovering as quickly as usual.  They had me lay on my left side... that did not help.  They had me lay on my right side... that helped alot!  The really interesting part is, I felt the need to sleep on my right side all night.  I did not feel right on my left, which is usually my more comfortable side.  My midwife said, I was really in tune with my baby and what she needed.  We are not sure if the cord was being compressed on the left or not?  But as we were there being monitored it was obvious that with every minor contraction (and I mean minor) that Sydney's heart rate was not tolerating them very well... (Reason #1 God may have held off my labor: Sydney may not have tolerated delivery well.  Be it her or a mashed cord, etc.)  They started admitting me immediately and brought in the doctor for evaluation.  She agreed with the hospital midwife that an induction was not an option.  I was then told that I was getting a C-section as soon as everything was ready!

I was very heartbroken because my dream was shattered.  I was also very nervous and worried that I had waited too long, and I had hurt or killed my baby!  I still feel some guilt with the fact she was in the NICU.  But I also would have felt guilty not waiting it out and getting induced at say 39 weeks.  (Just a personal choice of mine, not that I think inductions are bad, I just worry it would be too early for the baby.)  I really wanted everything to be natural and the way God created birth to be.  I am also grateful for modern medicine to save me and my baby because I think we would have been some of the few that would have died in childbirth back in the day!  IF my body ever went into labor. Ha ha.  I was crying but also trying to be strong because I didn't want to miss anything.  (I do love anything medical and find it fascinating.)  All I could think was to say "Thank you" to everyone that was taking care of me in the hospital because I was inconveniencing them with this "avoidable emergency". 

I was grateful they were able to do a spinal on me so that I could be awake during the surgery.  Let me tell you, being that numb and motionless and awake is a weird feeling!  I just wish I could have watched the surgery... again I love medical stuff.  My husband was watching until the incision, then he had to look away. =) 

When she was out, they said there was thick meconium in my amniotic fluid.  Not uncommon for a baby as late as mine.  According to my husband she was green when they took her out and started working on her immediately.  She was suctioned and then intubated.  She was taking a while to respond to stimulus, etc.  I had no clue any of that was happening!  I didn't hear her cry, but didn't think anything of it.  The weird part was, I knew she was okay.  I knew my strong girl was fine and I wasn't worried.  Seriously!  I believe that was God protecting me from too much stress in one day.  I had the "peace that passes all understanding".  My husband was watching it all and said he was freaked out, but he did a good job not showing me on his face.

They finally after, I don't know 5-10 minutes, got a good Apgar score they wanted on her (with intubation) and started wheeling her out.  My first look at her she was in the bassinet with a tube down her throat.  She was sucking hard on that tube though!  LOL  That is my determined girl!  But my first thought was, "look at all that hair!".  Michael followed her to the NICU.  They suspected she had aspirated meconium.  They told me she was 9 lbs 15 oz!  I couldn't believe it!  My midwife, as well as the c-section doctor, palpated my belly before and were guessing she was around 8ish lbs.  Even the nurses commented they could not believe I hid that big of a baby in there.  Seriously, I never felt that large.  (Reason #2 God may have held my labor off:  I may not have been able to have her naturally, she was so big...especially at home...)

After I was sewn up, they rolled my bed into the NICU to see my girl.  She was hooked up to all the monitors and intubated.  =( But I still knew she was going to be okay!  I then slept and ate and barfed and slept and tingled as feeling came back until that night.  My nurse got me up to remove the catheter and then asked me if I wanted to go see my girl.  Honestly, I felt horrible and in pain, but of course I wanted to see her! =)  I then was able to hold her and talk to her.  She was so adorable and big.  She just kept staring up at me the whole time!  My husband said that whenever he and the other visitors talked to her she would look at them and then all around but not stare.  He said it was like she was looking for someone.  So when I got to hold her and talk to her, she was staring and saying, "there you are, I was looking for you".  But it did not feel like she was mine.  It was too surreal.  I was in baby denial which remained until after a few weeks of being at home.  I still don't feel like a "mom" per se, but I definitely claim her as mine. =)

Well, I have a new respect for those that have had major surgery... the healing process is painful!  I will say that I had the most amazing nurses during my stay though.  The really cool thing is one of my nurses heard that my baby was adopted as an embryo and brought it up to me.  She literally the night before had been researching it because they had been trying to have a baby for a long time.  She asked me all kinds of questions and of course I was more than happy to answer them!  (Reason #3: God may have wanted me there at that time to encourage this nurse and possibly have more snowflakes rescued from the freezer.)

I started pumping that night after I was coherent and awake enough to think straight and I pumped every 3 hours for 15 minutes until I left the hospital.  Thankfully my husband and my nurses were willing to wash all the parts every time because I couldn't get out of bed.  Of course this was also not part of my dream of holding my baby right after and her being able to nurse right away... but I was determined that she would get what she needed when she was ready.  I wanted at least one thing to work properly!

Well, Sydney was doing amazing and wowing all the doctors and nurses in the NICU (as I knew she would).  They determined by the chest x-ray that there was not any major meconium in her lungs like they suspected.  They saw she was breathing so well and fighting the intubation tube that they took it out only an hour after her birth.  They did start her on IV fluids, lipids, and antibiotics just in case there would be infection from some meconium.  They gave her 48 hours to see if she would have any problems.  They were estimating her having to say in the NICU for a few weeks.  Let me just say a 10 pound baby in the NICU is a weird sight!  Every other baby is itty bitty... 

Since we have family from both sides in town, Sydney was the most popular baby around!  She got visited so many times, that I would think the nurses got tired of buzzing them in. ;0)  I think the hardest part for me was I had to be put in a wheel chair to go visit my girl.  I felt like a horrible mom already.  I was so guilt ridden that I put my baby in the NICU.  I should have been induced sooner... It didn't help that one of the nurses kept saying in an accusing tone that "Sydney has a guardian angel watching over her", every single day I saw the nurse... But being the determined girl I am, I visited her as often as I could and kept on pumping and sending the colostrum/milk to the freezer.

By the second day, they had moved Sydney to a open bassinet and dressed her because she didn't need the incubator box...she was sweating so much.  (Yes, that is my girl, a little "hot box" I call her.)  She was doing just fine, despite all odds.  All the nurses loved her because she was so sweet and alert.  I was informed that night that she would possibly be allowed to eat the next day.  The nurse practitioner was aware that I wanted to breastfeed (and was all for it) but warned me that she might have to be put on formula if it doesn't work out.  And that I should be willing to do it just to get her home a lot faster... My midwife agreed.  She said, just get her home and then you can do WHATEVER you want and think is best for her. =)

By the third day, she was doing so well, the nurses were guessing the doctor might let me start feeding her.  I was so excited and grateful to God for taking care of her.  I was there as soon as they said it was okay to try to breastfeeding that afternoon.  I was so worried that she would not know what to do since it had been 3 DAYS since she was born.  Well, after about 5 minutes of coaxing her and tempting her, etc., she latched on and ate for 10 minutes!  I was SO grateful.  So I was told to come back every 3 hours to feed her and to report every time how long and which sides she ate on for the records.  So with my husband's help at first (wheelchair) we went down to the NICU every 3 hours to feed her.  She would get so sleepy and only eat a little but I HAD to get her home.  So we undressed her and made her to do sit ups and blew on her, etc. just to get her awake enough to eat.  Each time she would eat different amounts and lengths, but she was eating!  Let me just say, nursing an infant attached to a bunch of monitors by wires and tubes is not an easy task, especially without setting off one of the alarms by accident.

So by that night Sydney had an awesome NICU nurse that would call my nurses' station when she was awake, so they could page me in my room to come feed her.  I was able to slowly trudge down the halls on my own now and would faithfully walk to the NICU to nurse my baby girl every 3 hours.  They would inform me that she was having the meconium diapers and her glucose levels were looking good, so she must be getting enough milk.  They were each time slowly tapering off her IV fluids.  By the next morning she was off all IVs!  She was just on the oxygen and pulse monitor.  Yay!

So the fourth day after her birth, I was being discharged.  My nurse was looking into getting us an extra room if we had to stay extra with Syd.  But when we went to visit her, the nurses were rumoring that she might get to go home, too!  So we waited to hear the results of rounds with the doctor... and he said that there was no reason for her to stay, she was doing so well!  I couldn't have been happier.  We were going to get to go home the same day!  God really is amazing to bless us so...

We then proceeded to go through the discharge process and procedures for both of us.  It came as such a shock for the nurses that they had to scramble to get her hearing test done, etc.  The pediatric doctor said he was sending her home as a well baby.  We then were on our way by late that afternoon.  I was so grateful for such a wonderful outcome to what could have been a heart breaking situation.

After everything I look back and see where God was preparing me for this months ago by reading some of my fellow EA bloggers and their unwanted C-sections.  Their stories stuck out to me so much that I told my husband I was preparing my mind for the possibility that will be me, because I am not in control of anything I think I am.  Deep down I just knew for some reason that was going to be my story, but I didn't want it to be so.  I am just so glad that God used others and their willingness to share their stories to prepare me.  I still hold out hope that someday I will give birth naturally and experience a different type of child birth pain...but if I don't, I am so okay with that.  I have my real dream sleeping in my arms right now... =D