Overwhelmed by God's Goodness

It is hard to believe that it has been about 8 months since I last posted!  I never intended to for that to happen but life with young children is just non-stop busy!  I am so grateful for that problem though. ;o)  A few recent pictures taken in September of the girls:

15 months and 3 years old

I do have some news to share...  Back in July we were shocked to find out that we were pregnant on our own.  It was a spontaneous miracle since we have never been pregnant naturally before in our 11 years of marriage, despite our unexplained infertility.  Our heads were spinning with the thought of a new baby so soon.  We were planning a year off to give us some breather time between baby phases before we went back for our last snowflake.  We also had come to terms with the fact we would not have genetic children.  We love our girls so much, we feel one of our own genetics will never compare. ;o)  So in one day all that was changed and our world as we knew it was totally shifted.  We were grateful and yet overwhelmed.  Three kids, all two years apart!  And we thought we would never have any for five plus years trying!  And then for me the guilt hit, that question of why me?  I have two beautiful girls, and I know many women just wanting one baby or a sibling.  How could I not want another pregnancy so soon?  I have always dreamed of four kids since I was little!  But being a realist still recovering from 3 years of survival mode, I just couldn't help how I was feeling even though I didn't want to.  I just know how hard babies are, especially my special diet, reflux, intolerance babies!  I also felt like I didn't belong in the infertile "club" any more.  I can now conceive on my own...  I KNOW that ultimately God is painting the masterpiece that is our family, and He wanted these snowflakes to be ours.  But I couldn't help the thought of that I am not part of the identity of infertile anymore.  So weird to come to terms with that, and then have it change.  So weird!

So for two weeks we finally wrapped our heads around the thought and excitement of another blessing.  But I had noticed that my symptoms were waning, and I was feeling more normal.  Then I started spotting.  Then in August at 6 weeks 3 days, the miscarriage started.  We took it hard, I guess not thinking that would happen, but then remembering of course we are broken at conceiving. ;0) TMI:  Then by accident I came across the small pea sized "amniotic sac".  There was nothing in it, thus it was a blighted ovum miscarriage.  That can happen to anyone my research says.  I was relieved there was no baby involved, but still had to grieve the loss of the idea of a baby coming.  But I will say that it was so much easier to handle the loss with these two beautiful girls to care for.  I was oh so grateful for them!!

So fast forward to September 4, I found myself about 4 days late for my period again.  I am usually like clock work.  It was like dejavu of the last cycle.  The girls and I took a trip to the dollar store again to get two more tests...  Although this time I had noticed some similar signs the same as last time (diarrhea and nausea a week before- around implantation time), so I had some suspicion although still skeptical.  And just like last time, the test turned positive right away after lunch.  So this time there was still shock (especially of it happening two cycles in a row!), but now doubt of it sticking around.

But today, here I sit 12 weeks pregnant with our genetic child, due May 12, 2015.  An amazing blessing from God we don't deserve.  I can't explain it other than God's plan for our lives.  I do know one major difference was that I was still on a strict wheat free, soy free, nut free, dairy free diet from nursing B, although she was only nursing at night.  I have had time to work through some of my thoughts and emotions, and we are so excited/scared to have another little love to raise.  The baby years are temporary, and God will give me strength.  And we can't wait to see what God has in store for the last snowflake patiently waiting for us.  I may be granted my childhood dream of four children!  Only God.  I have been doing an amazing Job Bible study at church right now and the timing is so Providential.  I have learned through our suffering God will reveal Himself more clearly to us.  Learning to be a selfless mom has been such a molding of my character and is teaching me a lot about my spoiled self.  Minor suffering compared to other major things in life people deal with, but still the hardest times of my life so far.  God is so good!  All the time!  We are overwhelmed with God's goodness!

10 week ultrasound

P.S.  Sorry to be so honest and real, but I felt I needed to share in case it helps ease the sting of a pregnancy announcement for some.  But maybe it made it worse, I have been there and that is why I  have struggled with announcing this pregnancy!